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Space Crackers

by Clawjob

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1.
SPACE SCHOOL FACULTY: Welcome to Space School, where you will study the effects of anti-gravity on snack foods! Where you will work hard, pushing the boundaries of snack food sciences and products in the next century. DR. O: I am your headmaster, my name is Dr. O; I was a soldier in the war that ended forty years before this day. The world back then was dangerous and violent. Fighting off the bird-people restored our sense of shared cultural heritage. After the war, all nations joined as one to form a prosperous and wise global community. SPACE SCHOOL FACULTY: And now we'd like to introduce you to the top two graduating seniors of Space School! JULIAN: My name is Julian. I wrote my thesis on the subatomic structure of crackers. I worked hard; now I am salutatorian, and I've received a grant for further research. MADELEINE: My name is Madeleine. I'm joining Julian for the research in space. I wish you all the best on every quiz and test. Space School's a wonderful place! GREG: My name is Greg. They didn't introduce me. My grades were less than great. My looks will not seduce thee. If I could get a chance to take Julian's place, and be alone, with Madeleine, in space...
2.
GREG: It was the first day of flight class. She gave a speech on inert gas. I was transfixed by her beauty and I missed every question on the noble gasses quiz. Sat next to her all semester. I did my best to impress her. And with some time alone, well I'm sure she would notice me, and now I've got the opportunity. 'Cause when I woke this morning, found a paper on the floor of my room. It said "There's been a change of plans; you're leaving for the space station soon." I got my space pass! By the board's unanimous decision, I was not assigned to a mission. But it paid off when Julian fell from the podium, and I was the only one left to take the job. Cause Julian and Madeleine were going to do research in space, But yesterday he broke his toe and now I get to go in his place! I got my space pass! She was a delicate flower. I hid a camera in the shower. And every time I saw her picture, it reminded me that she didn't even recognize my face. But once we get to orbit we'll have thirty weeks together alone. Floating free in zero-g, I'll finally get to make her my own! I got my space pass! MISSION CONTROL: 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... We have lift-off.
3.
MADELEINE: Let's focus on the research! We've got a lot to do. We've got the chance to make what could be giant leaps forward for modern science! Think about the mission, remember why we're here: The opportunity to make a difference in the lives of starving millions! This right here could be the big one... Don't cross the line and make me turn you down. We should focus on the research now. Be careful with that acid! You've gotta stay alert, Because these chemicals are so reactive, you can't afford to get distracted. If you're having trouble, I can help you out. You haven't passed the tests or read the studies, but we still have to be lab buddies. I can't do these experiments alone. Don't cross the line and make me turn you down. We should focus on the research. I see the way you follow me around. You should focus on the research now. Thirty weeks alone up here with you, and we've got such important work to do. We've gotta work together to get through, but I don't know if I can deal with you.
4.
JULIAN: A glowing green Computer screen Shines upon my six saltines, and As I digest them one by one, I think about my girl. She's gone. A radar blip Could be a ship, Or just a broken microchip, and As I inspect them one by one, I hope it's just a system malfunction, and I wonder: Will she be faithful? Will she be mine, if he makes a move on her? My broken toe A UFO; I'm paralyzed, and it gets closer, and As I re-check the radartron, I think about phasers set on stun, and I wonder: Will she be faithful? Will she be mine, if he makes a move? And... Should I be fearful, or should I try To soothe my nerves and get some sleep? RADARTRON: The blip is a ship. Twenty-six thousand feet long, And fifty million beings strong. These sentient life forms Live in space dorms. They have large brains and claws, Razor-like mandibles, And protrusions like straws. Caution. Danger. JULIAN: Will she be faithful? Will she be mine, if he makes a move? And... Will they be peaceful? Or will they try to disembowel me in my sleep?
5.
Zero Gravity 03:44
GREG: Locking up the zero gravity lab, shutting down the robotic butler tonight. Passing by the zero gravity baths, on my way, I know what's behind the Dormitories at Space School. She was the only girl I wanted to have a Sliver of a possibility with. I can see you, but you can't see me. Please understand things are different in zero-g. I can see you, but you can't see me. Things are different up here in zero gravity. She's running water for a zero gravity bath, slipping off her zero gravity bra. Dips her toe into desalinized purified sweat, she slips off her zero gravity... Thawing out my heart, I'm feeling that She and I: two parts per million. If only she, if only she could see... And I know I shouldn't be spying or snooping around, And I know I shouldn't be reading your diary out loud... Page 19: Carbon! Page 26: Helium! Page 42: Fusion! Page 50: Julian?!?!? No!!
6.
7.
Julian 03:18
GREG: Julian, you're not helping. You're not helping with my hernia. I can't carry the weight you leave. I can't carry the weight you give to me. Julian, would you leave? I can't take this all without my sleep, And I can't sleep at all with you riding on my back. I'm staring at a wall, Julian. Julian, you're not melting. You're not melting away like a bad dream. I can't compete with a memory. I can't compete with a ghost. Julian, would you leave? I hear the name she calls out in her sleep, And I can't sleep at all with her crying every night. I'm up against a wall, Julian. Julian, would you leave? You're thousands of miles below me, But the space in between us, it doesn't help a thing. I've given it my all, Julian.
8.
Part I JULIAN: I rode my bike to the projected landing site. I hid myself in the bushes. I took my trusty rusty telescope. As they swarmed out upon the earth, I raced back here to warn you... Part ii JULIAN: Watch out. Lock the doors. And don't let them in. The Dooks of Doom eat human skin. Run away. Don't come back. Just get on that plane. The Dooks of Doom will feast on your brain. Can we get away? Or fight them somehow? Or soon enough, will we be Dook chow? Part iii DOOK: We're the Dooks of Doom! I will eat your spleen! He will tear out your spine! We have traveled light years To ring your doorbell And snack on your entrails! We subdued our stomachs' greed Long enough to make machines To carry us across the galaxy And have an earthling feast! We are from a highly stratified society! You are helpless up against our super-sharpened claws! There is not a chance that you will triumph over us, because We'll crush you in between our unbelievably powerful jaws!
9.
????: The fish have grown appendages... suitable for riding bicycles...
10.
MADELEINE: This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I worked out every eventuality. Chance of cancer: 0.43. Chance of heart failure: 0.30. But the chance of suffocating alone in space was just 0.00102... It's a simple equation: complete isolation + this fucker's persuasion = eternal bind. So I am divided, and though I must hide it, there's fear deep inside, and it's clouding my mind. I cannot decipher the deep hidden meaning Of the subatomic collisions I'm reading. It would take a warped mind to calculate the probabilities. It would take a sick eye to see the strings pulling on me. We've stopped receiving transmissions, and in addition, my intuition says that something is wrong. So I'm trying not to think I may have lost you, 'cause I know I've got to try and be strong. I cannot decipher the deep hidden meaning Of the subatomic collisions I'm reading. It would take a warped mind to calculate the probabilities. It would take a sick eye to see the strings pulling on me.
11.
JULIAN: Oh M, I am so sorry that I can't be there. You see, there's quite a situation gotta deal with here. Ever since the Doomship landed, The good people of Earth have banded Together to try and stop... The breaking of the bread, The eating of your head, The planet of the dead! Oh men, we've heard the horror stories of the Great Bird War, But now we're facing something humans never faced before. We've gotta charge up all the phasers, And recalibrate all the lasers to "KILL," If we're ever gonna stop... The breaking of the bread, The eating of your head, The planet of the dead!
12.
CHAMPS 03:38
GREG: Stuck up here with my space mate. So long... so long. I fear the robo-butler will eat me. Is he gone? Is he gone? It's been weeks since the last transmission. Something's wrong... something's wrong. I look down through the porthole window; I see bombs. I see bombs. What am I to do? The whole universe has become completely unglued. Thought that we'd come back as champs. The last girl alive doesn't want me In her bed... in her bed. There were other fish in the sea, But they're all dead. They're all dead. What am I to do? The whole universe has become completely unglued. Thought that we'd come back as champs, Not as sole survivors of the final fight. Not as greasy stains on a crashed satellite.
13.
Overture MADELEINE: I locked Greg in the lab. He was getting a little weird. I tried again to make a transmission to Earth, But ground control didn't respond. Something bad is happening, And I'm up here alone. I've gotta figure out a way That I can get back home. GREG: Who's whispering those equations? Is there anybody there? I already killed the robo-butler... But there are still voices everywhere. Is the ship computer speaking? Or are they coming from inside me? These voices, they're telling me to mix these chemicals... What's happening to my mind?! JULIAN: We're taking heavy losses. The Dooks are eating us alive. Their alien metabolism Keeps their hunger from subsiding. We're holed up in Fort Zaffo, Our lasers toward the gates: A slight tactical advantage, As we lay here and wait. Dook attack DOOK: We're the Dooks of Doom and we would like to give our thanks to you, For gathering yourselves in such a closed-off space. This is quite a spread of appetizing human flesh. I guess that you could call it an all-Dooks-can-eat buffet! SOLDIER: We should have spent more R&D funds on mechs! Now a Dook's got his jaws around my neck! DOOK: Salivary acid drips from our tongues! Our super-sharpened claws tear through your lungs! SNIPER: I've got my rifle trained on you... You can't see me from up here... arghghghh! SOLDIER: I'm being strangled with my own spine! They harvest us like fruit from a vine! DOOK: We ate your family and burned your home! Now we're sucking the marrow from your bones! A hero falls DR.O: Julian, I'm dying, but I have one last assignment for you: You must set off the nukes, to destroy the Dooks, And put a stop to their hunger forever. I know it sounds drastic, but I've done some calculations. At this rate, our world is doomed. All life on Earth will be consumed. The hunger of the Dooks, it knows no limits. H He N GREG: Mixing chemicals in the lab, I can envision quantum reactions. I see things no one else has ever seen: Hydrogen, helium, nitrogen. Looking closely into each and every atom, vibrating strings... I can pull them into new configurations: Hydrogen, helium, nitrogen. Troubleshooting MADELEINE: Space Station Troubleshooting Guide, Chapter Five: In case of emergency, make transmission to Earth. Space Station Troubleshooting Guide, Chapter Nine: In case of transmission break, wait twelve hours and repair shuttle crew will arrive. But it's been weeks. Nobody came. Space station will be where I die: suicide, Slow starvation, or dehydration as we use up our supplies. Julian's moment of thought JULIAN: Madeleine, wish you could hear me. Want you to know I'm thinking of you. Here on Earth, things are so crazy; Aliens are eating us alive. Dr. O, oh, he told me to Set off the nukes. I don't know what to do. Madeleine, I don't want to Murder every human being on Earth. But I guess that the Dooks do. I never thought I'd have to make this choice. Who says Dr. O knows anyway? Maybe we can find another way... But as I ride my bike up to the blasted heath of the landing site, I look through my trusty rusty telescope. I see that all the grass And the leaves have turned grey... and that the ground is littered With the bones of birds, and the limbs of small animals. A lone Dook is refueling the Doomship for its return to space, and their Next feed... But soft! The doctor was right! If I don't destroy them, they'll use M for target practice tonight. And their blood-thirst unslaked, they'll move on to the next planet, Leave a trail of death in their wake! Oh M, I am so sorry that I can't be there. You see there's quite a complication to our plans down here... And though our future's disappearing, And there's no way you can hear me, Please know I love you, Madeleine! There will always be a point in space-time At which you are right by my side. I will always love you, Madeleine! Oh no! The Dook! He sees... Me! Man vs. dook DOOK: I see you, tasty human! I am a Dook of Doom and When we finish eating Earth, We'll eat the rest of the universe! JULIAN: My name is Julian; you Dooks have eaten all my friends! Your trail of interstellar slaughter is about to end! Twenty-seven floors below your landing site is Nuke Control. You're in my way, it's one-on-one; try and eat my laser gun! Greg's mental break GREG: Hey, this chemistry's not so tough with a helpful voice in my head! I've been poking at gravitons, transforming noble gases. Oh Madeleine, you won't believe the mental breakthroughs I've achieved! I'm so close I can taste it now: synthetic crackers from space! Healthful, cheap, and produced without pollutants, toxins, or waste! Oh Madeleine, you won't believe the mental breakthroughs I've achieved! Failure MADELEINE: I can't believe our failure. The whole fucking mission was in vain. Julian, what happened? Thirty weeks ago, we were so happy, and since then I can't explain... Anything. JULIAN: A glowing blue Dook tooth has skewered through my chest. I could just lie down here and die. It would be nice to have a rest... Set off the nukes DR. O?!?: Set off the nukes to destroy the Dooks. Set off the nukes to destroy the Dooks... JULIAN: Is that you, Dr. O?!? My battered body is so weary... GREG: My calculations seem to fit. It's time to test the theory. JULIAN: Oh Madeleine, I have to find the strength to do the deed. GREG: The particle accelerator's ramped up to nominal speed! JULIAN: If only I can reach the panel, lift the lid, and turn the key... GREG: The chemicals are mixing! The atoms smashing! It's too bright to see! JULIAN: I've done it. God forgive me. The countdown has begun. GREG: It worked! In my hands the first SPACE CRACKER, golden as the rising sun!
14.
GREG: Take off your helmet, Unhook your airhose, And float here with me. Step out of the airlock, Into the cosmos. You and me drifting free. In space, no one can hear you scream. Cause everyone we know back on Earth has died a horrible death. And everyone I love, except you, has breathed their ultimate breath. A horrible death. Step out of the airlock. Step into the sunshine: The deadly ultraviolet rays. Hold your breath and kiss me. You'll forever be mine. Together till the end of days. In space, we'll burn up, and then we'll freeze. Cause everyone we know back on Earth has died a horrible death. And everyone I love, except you, has breathed their ultimate breath. A horrible death.

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released May 16, 2006

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Clawjob Boston, Massachusetts

Clawjob was a concept-rock band that released two super fucking awesome albums that belong on every shelf in the galaxy. The members of Clawjob are now in Hex Map.

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